December 28th 2004

​My dear friend:

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It's hard going through life with the burden of our losses. I don't know what is more crushing, if the pain or the memory that forces us to hold on to all that we couldn't be.

I have worn myself out by holding on to a usless way of loving all those things that won't make me grow, and I have buried myself so many times and in so many ways because of the fear of letting go and finding something different to what I didn't have...

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Just opening up to the oportunity of obtaining anything, with no expectations, no eagerness, desiring desire, not something specific.

Opening your eyes once and for all and noticing that everything's a gift.

That you ​can't possess anything for real, that the nostalgy of the things you lost is just a heavy anchor that turns your heart weak.

It's not healthy to go through life living fantasies, in the end the emptiness is much greater, the hunger of "being" diggs a deep hole, the lack of new air due the melancholy of the past, forbids the lungs from breathing new life.



Has this not happened to you? Asking yourself... What am I doing with my life? Why haven't I alowed myself yet to get rid of that hole inside my stomach, of that treacle that won't let me breathe, of that emptiness in my soul and that heaviness in my heart? What would happen to me if I decide to eventually lose all that's blocking me? What would I be without my fear to experience a new life, different, not even the one I really want, but the one I can manage to build?



What could turn out if I calm my inner child's cravings, as well as those belonging to my lost teenager and bitter grown up?

Oh, young man, old man, child, what's the difference? We are all one habitating the same body...

Why do I keep on thinking that death will bring me what I know is here but I haven't been able to reach due such a heavy burden?

If it's true that I haven't lived my life in the past nor the future, why do I chase them so eagerly? What about living the present? When was the last time I felt really alive? Why instead of labeling all my experiences as "abandonment" don't I name them "impulse"? What if instead of lonely, I call myself independent? and instead of dispersion I call it freedom?



For real, here and now, what do I decide?

What is the best I can wish for myself and for this life?



I don't want a life surrounded by shortage, I want to feel the capacity of amazement provided by abundance. I remember that I stopped living that word, amazement, when I fed myself out of my fears and memories. They became so familiar that even the most precious thing turned into routine and by repeating it for so long, my past was torn, as well as the impulse that brought me here in the first place, to me. In the end... in me.



I want to go inside me, feel me, outside of me it's cold. I need the warmth of my love, that one that made me go out and look for others and lose myself.

I want to return to my home, my strenght, my essence.

I need me so much right now. I want to taste the peace that only my self confidence can give me. Resign for a moment to that urge to hunt someone I'm not for everyone else, and instead rest inside what I always have been, beyond my thoughts, my emotions, my feelings.

I want to meet my spirit, my name, my center. Reach that place where challenges, missions and expeditions don't really matter.

Just lay there and be... and lighten up my existence. Fill me up so much and in such a way that I overflow and the encounter with others doesn't happen from the outside of me, but from ME. And then live. Throughout the enormous potential of my love, my dedication, my tenderness, my strength, my peace, my astonishment, my faith, my hope, my charity, my creativity.



I want and I decide to be me. I want and deserve already to be inside of me once and for all. Quit pushing me away, living part time, feeling torn apart. I'm sick of renting my own life. Of chasing it, looking for it, feeling that I lost it when it's right here inside of me.

Today I come back to me. I get away from the annoying lost world. I get away from absence, I give up to my losses, I don't play myself as a token anymore, I see myself as a player and co-creator of my reality.



No suitcases, no burdens.

Just returning to the origin of the life that resides in me.

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It's wonderful to be and feel alive!
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Fernando R. Gómez Urrea

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Translation: Erika Saiffe Bada

The text of the video is in Spanish, apologies.